This is long and more personal than usual, so I'm sorry if it bores you. It's about how in Japan, friends can "dump" you like a boyfriend or girlfriend. It has happened to almost everyone I know here. A close friend will just suddenly block your phone number and mail and disappear from your life. And it's so sad.
I have never had a bad breakup, and I've only had one that actually made me truly sad. This is probably because I have only dated nice, great people. Also because I have never been dumped and haven't had very many boyfriends.
So couple breakups don't make me sad. But sometimes, friendships end suddenly and those are for me a million times worse than a couple breakup. They're horrible mostly because you never really expect a friendship to end. I expect friendships to change and for people to drift apart, but not to end in some tearful, bitter goodbye speech. So when a close friend "broke up" with me a few years ago, I was pretty devastated. She had good reasons, but I still wished we had been able to just talk things through and offer apologies to each other and stay friends. Then, I moved to Japan. Friendships break up all the time here, and it's awful.
When I first moved to Japan, I had a friend whose name was (close to the name) Hanako. She was a really sweet girl and she showed me around Tokyo. She introduced me to her family and we took day trips and had sleepovers together. She even took me to the hospital when I got sick once and couldn't speak any Japanese. We were pretty good friends. (If you've been reading this thing for a long time, you've seen her picture before.)
Then, I introduced Hanako to some other people in my circle of friends and soon she just stopped calling me. I guessed that she just wasn't interested in being as close as we'd been before, so I stopped bothering her with messages and phone calls. I am not desperate for friends and I don't like always being the only one who invites others out. Months later, Hanako phoned me to tell me that she had to meet with me and that it was very important. We went out for dinner and I was happy but a little bit worried, guessing that she was having family problems or some important thing she needed to talk about.
What Hanako wanted to talk about was ME. More specifically, she wanted to show me a long list of sins that I had committed during our friendship. Among them were not commenting on some facebook picture of her friend (a stranger to me)'s wedding, not "properly thanking" her for taking me to the hospital (I made her a card and took her out to dinner. But even if I hadn't, who wouldn't help their friend go to the hospital?) and being late 20 minutes to meet and go shopping at Ikea once. (The trains in Japan were hard to get used to when I first moved here)
I was really surprised and very sad that she had felt this way about me for so long. I was also kind of insulted and indignant, since I don't keep lists of my friend's faults.
Then, Hanako told me something useful for life in Japan. It's something that is very important to Japanese people and it's called Isshin Denshin. (I'll write about it someday, but until then, you will have to look it up on the internet.) Hanako also told me that telling me what I'd done wrong had been "very hard" for her to do and that I should consider myself lucky that she'd met with me because most Japanese people are too shy to meet with the person face to face and just prefer to drift away by blocking all phone calls and text messages.
I didn't think that was true. I actually thought Hanako was just crazy. She was such a thoughtful and great girl in so many ways, but there was a petty, mean streak in her that I could see sometimes. So it was easy to dismiss Hanako as a friend I was simply better off without. Until I started hearing about disappearing friends from every foreign person I met and realized that it's a very Japanese thing to just suddenly end a friendship with no forewarning whatsoever.
Your closest friend can just suddenly block your phone number and disappear from your life. This is not at all uncommon here in Japan. Since the incident with Hanako, I have tried really hard to notice the moods of my friends and to try to behave accordingly if I value their friendship.
But now, suddenly it happened to me again and I don't know what I did wrong. I just miss that friendship so much. It feels like my heart is breaking and it makes me so lonely. Friendship breakups are so much worse than couple breakups. If you are Japanese or know about this aspect of friendship in Japan, please tell me what I can do (if there is anything) to keep this friendship. Every day, it's all I can think about.
18 comments:
Oh, I am so sorry to hear about this! This is one aspect of Japanese culture I know nothing about. But I do know that it's so hard to make friends and it's awful to lose them. I hope your friend can talk to you about this and I am interested to hear about Japanese people have to say about it. I have had friendships grow apart but I've never had a friend break up with me and I think it would just tear me apart. :(
Dear Julie,
I don't know anything about Japanese friendship at all, but I wish I did so I could help you. Sometimes these sorts of differences throw the difficulty of living in another culture right in our face. I hope it works out for you.
Ugh, that sucks! I'm sorry Julie. I really hate it when people just arbitrarily end friendships.
When I first moved to Melbourne I met this girl who I adored, we got along really well & all of a sudden, she just started ignoring me. We were going to have dinner or something & she delayed it, saying she was sick, & then I emailed her a few times afterwards to say are you better, how are you doing, I miss you, etc., & NOTHING! She just fucking stopped responding to me!
It was so hard because to this day I wonder what the hell I did to make her disappear from my life. Though when I think back on it I remember watching her stare at her phone & not answer it when certain people rang, so I guess it was all foreshadowed... I just never thought it would happen to me.
Anyway, I feel your pain. I'm sorry that happened to you. You're adorable! If I was in Japan you wouldn't be able to shake me off!
xxx
First of all, I'm sorry to read about what happened to you.I'm also a foreigner in Japan, and I've stayed here 5years. Base on what I feel, when we are really touching with people, we should see them as a single people, which means, people are different and sometimes they can not be known by the culture style they belong. However, Japanese is kinda special group to me too. I have lot's of friends in Japan, and I have once broken up with a Japanese friend. However, my case is different from yours. My reason to break up is she is going to take my BF,which is very ridiculous to me as well. After all, I still have lots friends around me. But I can understand what you feel. I want to tell you something and I hope can help. First, most Japanese only accept Japanese way, they will say:Japanese do like this, Japanese speak like that.ECT. even one of my friend ask her Italian BF to apologize because he has work to do and can not come to Japan(If was me, I can't even think to get apologizing)...And maybe you've already noticed, they say sorry to everything, say thanks to everything. Also means, you don't really need to do anything, just "say" it will mean enough to Japanese. However, if you "do", even can not work as well as saying. Different from many other culture styles. Second, and excuse me, from what you wrote, I think Hanako, you called like this, is a little strange even in Japan...so, don't worry to much about this. Last, be yourself. That's the only way for you to have a good friend whom you can keep forever. No need to change for anything, anyone, anytime. Just be you.
At the end, Good Luck. Japan is good country, I like it very much, I also hope you can enjoy it too. :)
PS: I write my web-site here, even it doesn't have much things to show you, but anyways, leave some words if you like.
I know what you mean. I had a similar situation with a friend. I don't really want to write about it on here but if you want to know more you can e-mail me or send me a message on my myspace. www.myspace.com/nonkinanezumi
Ps I have been reading your blog since you started writing it and I enjoy reading it.
Hey Julie, I'm sorry to hear about your friendship "break-ups". I have been reading your blog for a for some time now and relate to many of things you write about; I too am a foreign gal in Tokyo and I too had a break-up with a dear Japanese friend. But my break-up happened when I was living back in Australia with my Japanese friend. So I'm guessing it's a cultural thing for sure.
The same thing happened. I got sick of always having to be the one to initiate some action in our friendship and decided that if it really meant something to her she could call me to hang out. She never did. Then days, weeks went by and nothing. Although we worked together a few nights a week she never talked to me like a friend again. I was crushed! Especially since I helped her so much when she first moved to Australia. I'm just pissed off now, but I do miss our friendship.
Cheer up Charlie, there are plenty of good-hearted people out there for you to meet.
気をつけてねｘ
Gala! I am always so excited to hear from you because you strike me as much a busy person and it's neat to see that you read my site because I read your site all the time.
I don't understand why, if you have a problem with someone, you can't just meet with them and talk about things. Then, even if things don't resolve, slowly fading away as a friend is no much kinder than just blocking calls. Someone would have to be pretty rotten to me for me to want to block them.
I know you're already having a fantastic time in NYC but I wish you well anyway.
Love!
Great advice, Xiang. Thanks. What part of Japan are you in?
xox
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS.
Hi Julie :D. You're welcome. I feel very happy if I can help a little.
Im in a city called Kitakyushu in Fukuoka-ken, Kyushu Island. ever been here? :)
hi, i am also a foreigner in japan and also lost a good japanese friend recently after she took me to the hospital when i got sick. after we "broke up" she called my family to ask them for money because she had spent too much on taxis and stuff while taking care of me. i am sorry to say this but i think your friend wanted you to give her money as a "thank you" for all the things she did for you. thats how japanese people thank each other unfortunately. it's sad... sorry to hear about your friendship.
alice
p.s. really enjoy reading your blog!
wow, Alice, I never thought about that, but now that you mention it, you're probably right! It was probably money...
I am thinking about it more now because you know how if you go to a party at someone's house, you have to pay admission? I didn't know that at first and really got into trouble once because of it. A girl invited me to her house for a nabe party and I came, bringing some snacks, but she charged me 400 yen (40 dollars) even though I'm vegetarian and didn't really even eat anything but a bit of salad. And there were only about 10 people at her house. 4000 yen is a lot of money. I didn't even have it on me. I had to go to an ATM machine.
Thanks for the comment. I think you're exactly right.
Whoa, pay admission? There is so much I have to learn about Japanese culture.
I would have done what you did - brought a snack, some alcohol, or a gift for the hostess.
I found this article so interesting that I forwarded it to a Japanese friend of mine and asked her opinion, mainly because I had never heard of this happening!
She read it and thought that perhaps you two both had a misunderstanding about the definition of your friendship and what that entailed. She said that often Japanese people will be extremely friendly, welcoming and hospitible to newcomers, (treating them as "honored guests") but then after that duty has been fulfilled, will then sort of back off and dissapear.
I don't know if that's what happened, since obviously I don't know the particulars. But your article made me want to learn more about Isshin Denshin and so I bought a book about Japanese culture and have been reading all about it. Fascinating stuff!
PS We ended up talking about this blog article at 4 in the morning after a night out in Roppongi. It was funny cause my friend brought it up and the whole group had an opinion. I wish I remembered everything they said cause it was interesting.
Anyways, thanks!
PPS My friend couldn't explain why she met up and 'broke up with you' so formally like that. She had never heard of that happening.
This whole post blows my mind!!! Just because it's cultural doesn't make it ok - I don't think I would want friends I'd have to worry about offending in some random manner, who weren't doing good from their hearts, but only expecting something.
And the money for parties thing!! It's shocking. I've thrown parties where I spent hundreds of dollars on food, and would NEVER expect anything from my friends.
everyday is a learning experience eh?
I'm sad that you had to go through this, but thank you so much for writing about it. Some things which has happened to me here totally make sense now!! Doesn't really make it feel better, but having a better understanding helps dealing with it better ^_^
Hey Julie
You mentioned, “…I introduced Hanako to some other people in my circle of friends and soon she just stopped calling me”, so I think Hanako-san harbored jealousy over your circle of friends. She was the first friend who took care of you in times of trouble when you started living in Tokyo right? Passing the times of your struggle, maybe she thought that she and you became the best friends; however, you happen to have more friends whom you show the same gratitude and appreciation. Maybe in her mind she could had been thinking “why doesn’t Julie treat me differently over the other friends? I am the one who took care of her when she was sick”… blah blah blah. Probably, she didn’t feel she was special to you anymore. I think one can easily feel jealousy over anything when he or she sees other people are getting the same prizes when they did not work as hard as he or she did. People have expectations when it comes down to give and take. Whenever they give, they feel they deserve counterbalance, so yea…she could had been thinking about the money issues as well too…
Give and take conflict is perhaps not only in Japan…I used to go to a church for a bit when I was in the U.S despite being a non-Christian because I was merely interested in their teachings. Before joining, I explained my situation, but they were so happy to welcome me. However, after a couple months later, I got the cold shoulder when I still remained as non-Christian and declined to donate money. People who were once friendly didn’t greet me, so I felt like I had to leave the church. Maybe the church felt like I was exploiting them by attending their seminars and morning prayers for free and not contributing a single penny to the church. I do not believe all the churches are like the one I attended, but the reason I brought up this incident is to point out that we all have different sets of rules, standards, behaviors, and expectations. We are all too different in our circuits that trigger thoughts and motivate our actions that we often times face mismatches as to what we expect from each other.
Especially, Japanese people are apt to expect others to act the same ways as they do, so when their expectations are not met, they feel they are disrespected. For instance, one time, I overheard this lady complaining to her friend as they were leaving a convenience store that the clerk did not ask her whether she needed chopsticks or not for her purchased instant noodles. Amazing…, isn’t it? I did not see her arguing to the clerk at the time, but I guess some people do hold a grudge over as little as free chopsticks you receive or not receive at a convenience store. Maybe, at this convenience store, the clerk doesn’t ask that question, but if the same things ensue repeatable to the lady, she probably would have burst out in uncontrollable anger. Doesn’t it resemble your friend? Those aforementioned chopsticks are definitely not the necessities, and if you see people cling to the petty reasons and gestures like them, those people are definitely not truly appreciating the clerk who is behind counter making an effort to their true needs.
Usually, once confusion or a doubt lingers in one’s mind for any reasons, it can only grow larger and larger unless the one burst it open and let it communicate out before it is too big. Japanese society is believed to have the traits which include the homogeneity of the society and nonconfrontational mode of discussions, which means we suck at discussions…I simply think Hanako-san waited too long to communicate it out to you, and probably at the time, her frustration was at the maximum that she did not do a good job letting it out in the best way. That’s probably why she might have being out of proportion in anger. Because Japanese do not like to confront people, but when they do, they do it so poorly that they cannot put up a good argument. I often heard that Japanese are not very good at separating their emotions and logic apart.
For your solutions…just don’t worry about it. Some people can be very awkward. They confine themselves in their shelters so no one can hurt them. They think too much of what other people think about them, and they can be timid and too proud to engage in a meaningful friendship.
^_^ V
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